A Review of Big Momma’s House Written by a Guy Who Was In the Bathroom Every Time Martin Lawrence Changed Costumes
When I heard actor Martin Lawrence had a new film out, I of course bought tickets right away. I don’t know what it’s about, but this is his first film since Blue Streak so I’m going sight-unseen. Wanting to stay alert for the entire thing, I showed up armed with a 24 pack of Mountain Dew, which I started drinking 30 minutes before the film started.
Big Momma’s House doesn’t waste any time. Straight out of the gate Martin Lawrence, disguised as a Korean businessman, takes down an illegal dogfighting ring. He’s then assigned to track down Lester Vesco, a hardened criminal who just escaped from prison. Vesco is trying to find his ex-girlfriend, who’s rumored to be heading to her grandmother’s house — a woman known as Big Momma. In an attempt to intercept Vesco, Martin Lawrence goes to Big Momma’s house (I think this is where they got the name of the movie from). Unfortunately, Big Momma is out of town.
At this point, I had to run to the bathroom. But when I returned, Big Momma was on screen, so I assume she came back for some reason (maybe she forgot her keys?). One question, though: where the HECK did Martin Lawrence go?
What I thought was going to be your standard Martin-Lawrence-as-cop film suddenly took a turn for the strange. In fact, Martin Lawrence seemed to only show up for about half of the scenes. And the non-Martin Lawrence scenes were just plain weird. I may be reading this wrong, but when Big Momma finally reunites with her beautiful long-lost granddaughter Sherry… it seems to make her horny. Every time Sherry walks by, Big Momma makes some remark like “ooooh, that ass…” It’s really messed up and makes me very uncomfortable.
Big Momma attempts to cook a meal for Sherry, but doesn’t seem to remember how to cook. This is just one of many scenes that touch on Big Momma’s ever-worsening dementia, which causes her to have trouble recalling most of her past memories. And things are made even more difficult when — and forgive me for the graphic image — HER FACE STARTS FALLING OFF. It’s absolutely horrifying. She digs around the kitchen trying to find something to cover it up because she (understandably) doesn’t want her granddaughter to see HER FACE FALLING OFF. Ironically, this scene reminds me of a scene in Mrs. Doubtfire, a very different film. It was around this time that I had to go to the bathroom again.
I walked back into the theatre only to see Martin Lawrence wearing Big Momma’s dress. I hoped this would have been a funny scene where they tried on each others clothes (much needed comic relief, if you ask me), but instead Lawrence’s partner was just yelling at him, saying things like “You’re getting too close!” Too close to what? The dude’s barely talked to anybody this entire movie! Then I had to go to the bathroom.
When I got back, Martin Lawrence had once again completely disappeared and Big Momma was playing a basketball game. Surprisingly, she was very good. But I found this scene a little unbelievable. A woman her age and size would never be able to dunk on a ten-foot hoop like that. Most likely this scene was actually filmed using a man in a woman suit.
Just when I think I’m starting to understand Big Momma, she tries to convince Sherry to go on a date with Martin Lawrence. I found this odd, because I haven’t seen Big Momma and Martin Lawrence on screen together once. How could she know enough about him to think he’s right for her granddaughter? And as I mentioned before, I’m pretty sure Big Momma wants to fuck Sherry. It just doesn’t make sense. What’s your endgame, Big Momma? I’ll think about this while I go to the bathroom.
Martin Lawrence and Sherry are now on a date. In an attempt to impress her, Martin Lawrence says he’s good at fishing even though he is actually very bad at it. But the date seems to be going well — maybe Big Momma was right? They do seem to have some chemistry. But then Sherry says Martin Lawrence’s “eyes look familiar.” What the fuck are you talking about, Sherry? Why would you say something so fucking weird on a first date? Now I’m confused and angry and I have to go to the bathroom.
Big Momma comes home from church and there is a surprise party being thrown for her. The whole neighborhood is there and everyone is very happy. Then a taxi pulls up and… Big Momma gets out of the taxi? There are two Big Mommas? This film suddenly went from Big Momma’s House to Big Mommas’s House. I have no idea what’s going on and I absolutely have to go to the bathroom.
Returning to my seat, it seems Martin Lawrence has apprehended Vesco. But Sherry is really mad at him, talking about how he lied to her. The man is a hero and she’s hung up on the fact that he said he was good at fishing to try and impress her? Fucking let it go, Sherry. What a horrible, unlikeable character. I have to go to the bathroom.
As the film winds down, Martin Lawrence shows up at a church where Sherry and one of the two Big Mommas are. No one seems to be concerned about where the second Big Momma went. Lawrence apologizes to Sherry for lying and they kiss and I have to go to the bathroom.
Unfortunately, I can only award Big Momma’s House four stars. Maybe my expectations were wrong. I was hoping for a hilarious movie about a cop who plays by his own rules, but instead got one about a sexually confused old woman who’s losing her mind as her body literally falls apart. The film teased at greatness, but never really delivered. Like in the beginning, when Martin Lawrence was disguised as a Korean businessman, we were given a brief window into him being a master of disguise. I would have loved to see more of that. But bringing it up at the top of the film and never mentioning it again seems pointless. That said, I was pleasantly surprised by the actress who played Big Momma. Despite my initial disappointment at the lack of Martin Lawrence, Big Momma’s comedic sensibilities rivaled his more than I ever could have imagined — they have a very similar spirit and also very similar eyes (alright, I’ll give you that one, Sherry). With her on screen so much, it was almost as if Martin Lawrence was in the whole film. I have to go to the bathroom.
